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INTERVIEW WITH DAVID TIBET OF CURRENT 93

April 1997

This interview was conducted by Gary Parsons of Sleeping Pictures for his now defunct Quiette magazine, and is reproduced here with his kind permission.

What were your main reasons for forming Current 93?

The way it came about was that I was at university in Newcastle upon Tyne and I came down to London to study classical Tibetan. I was interested in what ever that music scene was. I had been in correspondence with Steven Stapleton from Nurse With Wound and William Bennet from Whitehouse and Orridge from T.G. and I bumped into P. Orridge down Portobello market and he asked me to come back to his house for a coffee. Eventually he asked me to get involved with PTV which I did and then I didn't. But in that I had met John Balance who was then Geff Rushton who was running a fanzine and was at Brighton University . He had been a big T.G. fan and been at the Heathen Earth recording session. He came down, met Sleazy and they got on well and started going out with each other and Balance and myself got on well and I also got on well with Fritz Haaman who was in 23 Skidoo. The first Current release Lashtal was actually when I was still involved with PTV. I had a friend who worked at a studio and he said that we could have free time in the studio, so we went in and did Lashtal pretty much off the top of our heads. Then after that I left PTV and fell out with Balance who was still involved in PTV , and I felt he shouldn't have been, and Fritz was busy doing Skidoo. The idea of Current of bringing the two of them together was basically my idea but I wouldn't say that particular release was more mine than theirs. So then I told Balance because I didn't want to talk to him anymore and I didn't want him in my group, I told him that I was dissolving Current 93 and wasn't going to talk to him again. These were days when we were fuelled almost entirely by alcohol and speed so we were very fond of making dramatic gestures like that. So when that had happened I then decided to carry on with it, and Lashtal really was more or less as far as I'm concerned a worthless record. It bares no relation to anything else we ever did.

But my interests then as now, was somewhat varied, but one of my real obsessions was appocaliptasism and eschatology and decadent literature. I really felt that there was a sound that would encompass specifically those, but other interests I had as well, that nobody had ever made before. Nobody had ever enunciated that aesthetic and spiritual quality that I myself wanted to hear, not as a message for other people, but I really wanted to hear something which spoke to me of what I was interested in, which was not industrial jackhammers or Charles Manson and even at that stage really not even Crowley. Although I'd been a member of the O. T. O previously, when I was doing Lashtal I was still in the O. T. O, but I dumped Crowley and all that stuff I found it very tedious and turgid and most of the people I met who were involved with it were just...

So I decided I wanted to carry on Current 93 because I wanted to have a medium to express what I felt in music which hadn't been done by anyone else. I wanted to make music that had the same effect on me as music I loved the most, and I always felt that if music didn't move you, if it didn't have a spiritual content and I don't mean that in any dogmatic sense and I don't mean it in a new age sense. But if it didn't move you, didn't send shivers up your spine for me there was no point in the music. Some of my favourite music(which is varied) is something like "Be my baby" by The Ronnettes which sends shivers up my spine and I think its profoundly moving song. I wanted to create music that moved me like they moved me but more specifically because it was dealing with the concerns that obsessed me, which was always apocalypse and endings in everything, little endings, big endings and then the big end itself. I did tend to see apocalypses everywhere, I saw them in relationships, when I saw cities. I'd see them in a dead cat by the side of the road, these things spoke to me hugely of transience and from that coming, something more terrible, more profound than we ever suspected. So with the first album, Nature Unveiled , I feel we did something that had never been done before and I think nobody else has come close to doing anything like it since. Because after that came out allot of people started doing apocalyptic soundscapes but it just sounded like noise because the people that were doing them, from the ones that I've heard, didn't believe, they saw it as a academic exercise or an exercise in weirdness. All of the Current stuff is just me going on and on about my obsessions, they are things that consume me all the time and something I wish I didn't have sometimes. Not in the sense that I am a suffering artist and no one can understand how moved I am, just because I can't think of anything else. Allot of people write and E-mail and they say "Can you explain about this and that", and I really can't because it's so personal. It's not because I don't want to say it. The fields of rape motive that comes up over and over again was just one day I was going up to York and I looked out the train and saw fields of rape waving and it horrified me. I thought it was incredibly beautiful and it horrified me, and I've never been able to shake that out of my mind so perhaps it's a way of exorcising something, in which case its absolutely useless because I've not managed to exorcise anything but I think I've narrowed them down.

You say you have no interest in Crowley anymore, have you ever thought of changing the name of the band because obviously it's synonymous with him?

Well it's synonymous to people who know what it means. But then a lot of people don't.

Do you think some people get into the band because they might have read a book on Crowley and see Current 93 and think...?

If they've read a book on Crowley and think I'll buy this, they won't find any Crowley in it so then they can either sell the record or perhaps they'll be interested in what's there and I'm sure there's better things to be interested in than Crowley.

Even now I read reviews of your albums which say "Another Crowley influenced work from Current 93" and I think, where?

Even in The Wire there was a great review mentioning Crowley and there's absolutely no reference to him...well no in fact there is "Edward Alexander in some sad home you fall alone and see clearly now the inmost light" which is a reference to Crowley’s passing but it's not a Crowlean by any means. But I read the reviews and you get everything, you get I'm a Crowlean, a Satanist, I'm a born again Christian, I'm a fascist, I'm a nazi, I'm an anarchist, I'm a Buddhist,

I mean so what really. People always want to label things, as I'm sure I do myself, and if people want to label me as a Crowlean band then their quite welcome too but I'm not, it's not. But they label me as gothic it's not absolutely although I've got nothing against Goths if they want to buy it and they find it moves them fine. People label Current as industrial that one does piss me off cause were not. It was never industrial, what was industrial, it conjures up an idea of harsh brutal soundscapes maybe militaristic you know, and I defy anyone to look at any of the records and play it and say why this is industrial. If they want to put it there well...I'd rather be under industrial than soft rock

What about the folk section next to Pentangle?

Probably next to the Humble Bums or somebody dreadful like that. Whatever people want. With Crowley I think I've only got one of his books in the house I had a huge collection but...It's really very boring. He's a fascinating guy but there's lots of fascinating people. Crowleyanity whatever you want to call it, Thelema, I feel is a dead end an absolute dead end, which is not to say it is a dead end but my impression of it is that I see very little light in it. But different strokes for different folks.

Did you see current 93 being a long term project after Nature Unveiled?

I really didn't think of it. I thought we've got some free time in the studio, this is what I want to do Nature Unveiled. I didn't think if there would be another album. I just wanted to do Nature Unveiled. If somebody said to me then "Oh, you'd still be recording 13 years later" I would neither disbelieved them nor believed them, it just didn't occur to me. I was very focused on doing that and putting it out and it never occurred to me that I would get anything for it, which is often the case with groups. When I heard that they were pressing a thousand of the first record with a seven inch single in, I thought "I'm made that's it" artistically that's it. Then after that I started thinking there are some other things I'd like to do, which was Dogs Blood Rising which I feel was nowhere near as successful as Nature Unveiled. Allot of people that's their favourite album because they say it's so harsh and scattered, reading the Internet you see things like somebody’s home page and it say "music I own", and it came up "Current 93's music makes me sick, and I don't mean that in a bad sense, but Dogs Blood Rising their greatest album gives me nightmares for days after I listen to it. "Which I have to say isn't my intention, I don't want to give people nightmares. I felt it should have been a more structured album, I like structure. So Nature Unveiled is one piece, there's one apocalyptic piece on the other side there's a different apocalyptic piece and they've both got their specific lyrical concerns. All my best work has got a structure, so Of Ruine for better or worse is a conceptual album, it's not a collection of songs, I've always really disliked collections of songs. Inmostlight is a trilogy and they all flow together, they were all worked out very carefully in terms of mood, not in terms of how they were going to be mixed because Steve does the mixing and he is always very spontaneous, he just goes as he feels. So those are the things that are very successful. "In Menstrual Night", I find works, there is again a theme throughout. "Earth Covers Earth" has a fairly broad theme it's one of melancholy and transience from a literary point of view of using other people's poems. "Swastikas For Noddy" almost...because that was the first of what people now call folk album, It's got a mood and it nearly coheres, I think finally it's not a successful album. "Nightmare Culture" (well the one side) was not good at all, it was very confused. "Imperium" I think works. "Dawn" is just chucked together and is of no interest whatsoever. "Bar Maldoror" I like allot, and then there's something like "Hitler As Kalki" which is just a midprice, it's a live thing it's not meant to have a cohesive theme. The more I realised what I myself was moved by and was interested in the more I wanted to carry on. Really it was meeting Steve because I really admired Nurse With Wound more than anyone else, and I still say that Nurse With Wound are the greatest group of all time, and it was really seeing that Steve could carry on producing works of more or less peerless brilliance made me feel that I could carry on working. Just as Steve had tried to refine his technique and awareness of what moves him so I've tried to do the same. Steve’s been brilliant at geeing me on, and Michael Cashmore of course who came in on Thunder Perfect Mind, which I really feel is the first of the most important albums. If anybody wants to listen to Current those are the ones I would say "buy these". Personally I like Inmost light the most because it's the most personal along with Ruine. "Thunder Perfect Mind" sells not much better, but that's the one that really affected allot of people because it's not quite so personal so everyone can take their own feelings from it rather than thinking "Oh, it's Tibet wittering on about what happened to him in nursery" (laughs).

Do you still find Lautreamont a source of inspiration ?

I haven't read Maldoror for a few years, but Lautreamont is still one of the greats for me. I'm still inspired by the way he went about the work, I wouldn't say I would use it for subject matter which I obviously did up until 1986 because there was a section on Swastikas for Noddy and also on Nature Unveiled, but yeah I think it's a profoundly important book. Reading that book then meant that I entered the world of whatever that area of literature is, which is a certain decadent, baroque, wine soaked, opium heavy sensibility which really moves me allot. Through Lautreamont I came to read lots of people like Machen and Stenbock who is probably my biggest dead literary idol. So yes it was massively important and it still is, but I haven't reread it because I'm discovering new things all the time.

After "In Menstrual Night" there was a big change in direction what was the motivation behind this?

I think what happened is that I decided I liked the sound of my own voice. That I decided that I could if not sing in the conventional sense that I could enunciate and give meaning to the words. Also I found that after "Dawn", when I did "Great Black Time", I found how incredibly easy it was to put together a twenty minute long atmospheric soundscape, and I really felt a bit ashamed of myself. I did it one day and mixed it on the next day and I felt that was not satisfying to myself and not satisfying to people who listened to it. Also the music I listen to myself is varied, I do like pop and that pop being almost entirely sixties girlie groups. I also felt that that whole scene that everyone was churning out long pieces and were being "I have stared into the abyss" and it was false. So I decided to do something different and I'd been discussing this with Douglas. P and we had both been listening to allot of pop music, and Douglas had always liked The Seekers and The Birds who I'm not keen on although we were both fond of "Love" the "Forever Changes" album, so I said to him I really want to do an acoustic album and I remember playing the tapes to people and they just laughed, they said "nobody is going to buy this, this is folk music and nursery rhymes". What they didn't understand was of course folk music and nursery rhymes had already influenced the stuff, there's nursery rhymes all through "In Menstrual Night". I think it's fair to say that "Swastikas For Noddy" was the first album like that and now allot of groups do dark vogue.

Did you also get more confidence to sing live?

Yes I suppose so. Also because Douglas could actually play an instrument which was a major problem with previous...well not a major problem but live before that nobody played anything, so it would be using effects and so on. We never used to play much live and we still don't play much live, but that isn't because of lack of confidence it's just that I don't want to play live very much and I'm happier not doing it and don't mind doing it occasionally.

The character of Noddy has become synonymous with Current 93 what are the reasons for this and are you still interested in all things Noddy wise?

Yeah I still collect Noddy, I've got a huge collection of Noddy stuff most of it's in the attic. This is a story I've said before but...I was on Rose McDowall's roof one night and I'd taken allot of acid and I had a big vision of Noddy crucified and the next morning I thought I've just got to get as much Noddy material as I could find. And I liked Noddy books as a kid. I just like Noddy you know some people like the Hair Bear Bunch. Also I think the art work was phenomenal, the early stuff by Beek. Now it's P. C but people aren't fooled. They were also very sinister at times, there's a nice play of light and dark, like children's games and nursery songs and play acting there very finally balanced and I like that because it's genuine it's from the heart it's not contrived. It's a spontaneous expression of children's nature or human nature and Enid Blyton was brilliant at it in the Noddy books, I can't speak for the Famous Five.

That's one thing I was going to ask why Noddy and not the rest of the Blyton stuff?

If you look at the images it's pretty obvious, I think it would be difficult to be influenced by the Famous Five without really compromising my artistic vision.

Which artists musically have you been influenced by?

Nurse With Wound, cos Steve's influence is in every thing I've done. I've never been influenced directly because I could never play anything. The music that moves me most influenced me the most, but I think often you wouldn't be able to pick it up in Current. I'm influenced by the Ronnettes but it would be difficult to find a "doo lang" in any thing I've done. Early liturgical music is what I've listen too again since I was young, I always loved Gregorian Chant and the different types of it, Ambrosian chant and especially the English people such as Fairfax and Lufford. I think that's probably it really, girl group pop songs and early music going from Gregorian chant and cutting off at the seventeenth century. After that I was not great on the classical composers although I do like Satie. It's odds and sods really...Nico's first three albums I think are matchless, in contemporary music though nothing. Tiny Tim of course. But most contemporary music I don't listen to, I'm not saying it's bad or good I just have no interest in it. The thing I really hate is rock music. Because the most important thing for me in music is the nature of space within it. Again I'm not saying I'm not interested in listening to music I just listen to space I'm so profound or whatever. But I don't like business and so rock music I always hated because there's never any space in it, it was just loud guitars. Also I don't like attitude the sort of selling of rebellion the "oh wow rock music's rebellious were going to over throw the government, if we all fuck in the streets and smoke dope..." I hated all the baggage that came with it . It had no innocence. But allot of people like it and best of luck to them. Like Steve's a big Krautrock fan and I always found most of that unlistenable apart from Sand. I like that because it's an astonishing album and the space is really peculiar.

It's not what they've put in it's what they've left out.

Absolutely, yeah. The mix is very important in it. As you say if you take that away what would you get. There's bass, drums, guitar, but there's no sense of.....You can't imagine them getting on stage and...

Do you listen to very much folk music?

Well Shirley Collins of course. But not really. Shirley Collins I idolise along with my other great heroes. I like true folk music so I like the rural recordings and I like it of American blues as well. Folk music as a package I don't like very much.

Because you use the image of The Incredible String Bands The Hangmans Beautiful Daughter on Earth Covers Earth?

Yeah, that because I love that album I think it's an incredible album, but everything else they did I think was pretty useless. But did you ever hear Cobb? Who was Clive Palmers own band (He was founder member of I. S B and left after the first album)who did two albums which are worth getting , they're very rare but they have been bootlegged several times, very miserable folk rock albums but they are really good.

When did you first become interested in Louis Wain and his art?

When I was younger I liked his famous psychedelic ones, where the cat's became more and more stylised and insane. I remember seeing those as a child and being really impressed. Then about four or five years ago I went with Balance to see an art dealer and I was going to buy a couple of Austin Osman Spares, who actually I don't like very much, which I did and later sold them, and there was a Louis Wain on the wall. Which was a picture of a man cat, and I looked at that and I thought that is just phenomenal. I looked at that and became obsessed by him, and just started buying Louis Wain. He moves me so profoundly I think every thing he did again has got that quality. Especially the late ones that he did during his Napsbury period , where you can see the lines on them from where he used to give them to his nurses and they used to fold them up and put them in their pockets. When I bought one and went to pay, the woman behind the desk said to me "I hope you don't think I'm being rude and you don't mind me asking you this, but people seem to go insane for Louis Wain can you tell me what it is, because to me this just looks like a really kitsch cheap greeting card. "You know you see her point, I know what she means. But to me it just sends shivers up my spine. It's genuine, it's real and that's the important thing in every thing, in art, in music, if it's real then the soul of the person who has done it inhabits the picture, inhabits the song, inhabits the book. And if it doesn't then it might be beautifully done but it's not real for me. I hope that applies to what I do, that all the music I've done is real. Whether people like it or not, it's genuine, it's me and if they don't like it that's fine. As Dr. Johnson said "If the people like the book then sir well and good and if they don't no amount of explaining will make them do so". So with Wain they are just...luminous. Sim's is my other great hero, I used a couple of his pictures for the cover of Ruine. He had beautiful technique just drawing for magazines and doing cats and then he had a crisis and in that crisis something in him blossomed it didn't change it just blossomed, and maybe it was the blossom of madness. Evidently.

You were /are writing a novel, how is this coming along and will it be released?

I don't know probably never. It's just a collection of notes at the moment. I have two publishing ventures ones Ghost Story Press which publishes hardback editions of rare supernatural stories from the turn of the century. I've got another one called Durtro press which did a book called Simply Being which is a book of Buddhist stuff. Then I've done this one, which is a book by Stenbock. So Durtro press concentrates on decadent literature and the stuff that I like the most. So I am doing my collected lyrics through Durtro, probably next year. Also I've got this book by Thomas LaGotti coming out, and that's going to be out with Durtro and it's going to be a book with an album in by Current 93. The novel well...when I'm seventy maybe.

How did your collaboration with Nick Cave come about and will you be working again with him in the future?

He's a busy man, I think it's unlikely but not impossible. We were talking of doing a Louis Wain album , Current, Coil, Nurse and Cave, whether it will happen I don't know like him, we get on very well. One of my closest friends is Cox Doree and he's known Cave for along time, and I didn't like Birthday Party because as far as I was concerned it was rock music, but Cox kept on saying I should meet Cave. Cave I then found out was also a big Louis Wain fan. So Cox bought Cave round and we both got on well. Andria used to work for Tender Prey which is Caves fan club, so really through Cave I met Andria. We were brought together really by our mutual friendship with Cox , and by the fact that he also liked Louis Wain and he's also a very religious man just as I myself am. We share alot of interests in common like Christian theology and eschatology, and any painting with a crucifixion in.

When I heard that you were working together I was surprised as you both seem to work in two separate areas?

Well as you know he's obsessed with his own angels and demons. It's really Louis Wain and Christianity was the thing.

Along with Current 93 what other projects are you working on at the moment?

As I said the other main thing is the Durtro press with the LaGotti thing but that is also a Current 93 project as well. It's a sixty-four page novella comprising of four interlocking stories, it's called In A Foreign Town In A Foreign Land and it's got an interpretative musical C. D with it by myself, Steve, Balance and Christoph Heiman an experimental sound artist from Germany and a good friend of mine and Steves. Then later on in the year when the book/CD package sells out we will release it just as a CD. Then I've got more stuff coming out on Durtro press, I mean it probably doesn't make alot of sense unless you know the area well. But Stenbock who wrote three books of poems and this book, and the originals are phenomenally rare, he's a fascinating character and I've recently got hold of four previously unknown stories by him, so therefore I'm going to do a volume of unpublished stories by Stenbock. Then I'm doing a book called the Book Of Jade, it's a reprint of a book of decadent American poetry published in 1901which Lovecraft and Clarke Ashton Smith was very keen on. So I'm redoing that with a couple of extra poems in by the author.

Have you ever thought of doing any Machen stuff?

There's a press run by a friend called Ray Russell and he runs the Machen society and they have been republishing Machen rarities but now they are going to start doing some of the well known Machen like The Tales Of Terror And Supernatural. But I don't want to do Machen because Ray is. Machen is really my favourite of all the Supernatural writers. I've got a big pile of unpublished manuscripts by Machen. He was writing a book about the Holy Grail and I have all of that which I might publish myself because I actually own the stuff. Although Ray Russell would do a brilliant job of it, I'd like to put it out on Durtro, I'd like to have one Machen thing out and I think it's the only thing I can fairly put out by saying I own it. He's publishing a bit of it in a forthcoming anthology. Well Current are working on a new album at the moment and that should be out in September. Thats it.

Why did you make "the Inmostlight" a trilogy and are you considering doing this again with any future releases?

I don't think I'd do it again. With the Inmostlight it was a trilogy specifically because I saw it as The Inmostlight, before the Inmostlight arrives and then when it actually comes. The first part is the lull before the storm, the second is the storm it's self and The Starres Are Marching is the leaving. It was a before, it and after so it had to be like that. I wanted themes to reoccur which they do. I never thought of it in any other way, it had to be a trilogy, because it would have been a double album otherwise and that wouldn't have had that same sense of instalments within time.

How do you feel about the extortionate prices being charged by second hand stores for your early releases, and is re-releasing "Horsey" and other back catalogue titles away of combating this?

Well not per se. The market determines what the price will be, so if people are prepared to pay the price then that will be the price. I think it's a shame. But I don't want to be sanctimonious about it because to be quite honest if there was a record by Tiny Tim that I didn't have and I wanted, I'd pay what I had to pay to get it. If they are rare records then they are going to be expensive. I mean I collect books if you don't have it and you want it, if you won't pay the price then someone else will.

It pisses me off when new things are put out very expensively, especially mid price things are put out expensively mainly abroad this happens, people put higher prices on things. Then people come back to me and say "How can you justify this, you're being greedy, I bought this CD in an Italian shop and it's far too much". But even if I was to release the stuff at really cheap dealer price it would still be expensive over there, because the people who make the most money out of any CD are the retailers. Somebody once wrote to me and said "how can you justify all the money you get from those outrageously priced rare records" assuming that a record sells for two hundred quid or whatever and I get a pay off from it. I certainly don't control the second hand stores, but people sell the new thing for what they sell it for, I get a standard amount for every CD I sell and that's it. It's nice to see that people want the material. But I do feel now that everything is out on CD more or less, but collectors will always want the first as I myself want things, but you don't have to be well heeled or a fanatic to get the music if that's what you want, you can buy the CD or tape the CD so you don't have to pay anything for it. Of course you can loose either way because if you don't issue a limited album on CD people say your just being exclusive and we can't hear the music, if you do put it out then people say well you said it was limited.....and you’re ripping the fans off which is just stupid.

What made you release Horsey after all this time?

I don't know really. Well Dogs Blood Rising came out again last year. I think in my mind I had a list of the CDs to re-issue and Horsey was......I don't know why it was at the bottom because I actually like Horsey alot. It was actually cut at the CD place probably four years ago, but it just didn't come out I don't know why. Obviously I can't release everything at once because Serpent would not like that and distributors wouldn't take things, so something had to be at the bottom of the Queue, I think that is all the reissues now apart from The Aryan Aquarian thing which is really useless. I said to Serpent I would not mind it coming out again but at a CD single price, because again people are paying thirty, forty quid for it.

Also I've got alot of live tapes which I won't release I feel live albums as a rule don't work. Except there is one thing I will release (having said that live albums don't work) and that's Dogs Blood Order which is what we were called before Current 93 and it's us supporting Death In June in 1984 at the Clarenden, and we did Maldoror Is Dead on stage which is about thirty five minutes long. I'd like to put that out because it's good. Again it's not the sort of thing I'd listen to anymore. Listening back to it I did really like it and it's a pretty good version. So I'll probably put it out as a mid price CD and that's it really.

Do you feel that Current 93 has been a quest for you to reconcile your inner feelings and if so have you come any closer to reaching your goal?

It's a difficult question as I'm sure you know. What I've tried to do is express who I am , what I am and what moves me profoundly in Current. And I suppose the whole thing has been like circling around myself getting closer and closer and closer...But ending the interview as I began it, the things that obsessed me when I was young still bothers me now...I'm clearer now than I was I hope...But unfortunately as I become clearer I'm more aware of really how terrible things are and how even more terrible they will be, and I think that is...You know in peoples lives, if they are thinking and feeling truly is to try and make meaning of what's around us and to make meaning most importantly of ourselves. And that is to come face to face with the Inmostlight it's self...Now that I see it clearer I see the whole. Not because I've had any illumination because I've spent so long looking at these things and I don't mean studying esoteric text or anything like that, I mean I spent so long just obsessively talking to myself, about what I feel to be the only things in the world that matter, what I feel. Again with Current I'm not saying to all of you go and seek out Christ you must do this you must do that. Everyone finds their own salvation. I'm really horrified with what I've seen and with what I've come close to and that is a source of great comfort to me in one way and it's a source of really terrible anguish that...

I think it's done in a cynical semi humorous way on "Pretty Horse" as I refer to it, there's a line on that track The Inmostlight itself when I say "Big boys check it out too fucking late" and that really sums it up for me. Big boys check it out, I remember in New York or somewhere going down the street and there was a lot of people in the Oxford street of Manhattan and there's these people with loud speakers going "Come and buy our stuff, hey come here man check it out, check out these things" and people are saying "check it out buy this, do this, do this" and they are absolutely missing the fucking point. And then suddenly it'll come really close to them and they will see the Inmostlight itself and it's too fucking late. I hope that's not the case for me because I have to answer, when I die, when the Inmostlight itself takes me, I have to answer for my life here and it's, If you've failed, it's too fucking late that's it. It disturbs me greatly.

That's one chance, one time...

Yeah, that's it. Which is not to say that I'm saying there's only one life, there's reincarnation maybe there is maybe there isn't but it's not the point. We don't know that there is. We do know we've got a chance now, but we don't realise how severe the penalty is, how infinite the loss is if we don't take this chance and if we abuse what we've been given and we abuse our soul it will just be absolutely terrifying. There's a line from an old Egyptian text that I found in one of C. S Lewis's books, I think The Abolition Of Man - I can't remember, and I used it on Horsey and it's "Terrify not man lest God terrify thee" and I'm not talking about people who have been cruel to others but of course that was talking about people who have treated other people in such away that they have terrified them in their life. Reading that filled me with the most terrible fear that, you know how other people can make your life horrific but if God himself or herself decides when you die to make your life terrible, to terrify you in his way as you've terrified other people to the worst of your capabilities...

Then Christ have mercy.

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